Archives For Humor

I Wear My Wedding Ring On My Right Hand

January 19, 2012 — 13 Comments

I threw my first wedding ring (the one I had worn for nearly nine years) into the Caribbean Sea.

Accidentally.

My wife had inscribed, “You amaze me” in that one.

We thought long and hard about what to have inscribed in my second ring.

“You amaze me…still.”

I like it.

Ring, The Second

I never thought about the whole wedding ring situation when I was young.  I mean, I was a boy, so there’s that.  It just never occurred to me that I’d have to wear mine on the “wrong hand.”  It’s not like I had a choice, anyway.  My future wife would just have to deal with it.

And deal with it she has.

I don’t remember ever talking with her about the fact that I’d be wearing my wedding ring on my right hand.  It was never an issue.  I do remember, however, deciding that we would save money by getting me a simple, silver ring.  We got it online for $15.  And it lasted me nearly ten years.

I love what wedding rings represent; unending love between spouses.  So romantical.  We all look forward to sliding that ring onto the finger of the one we love.  For those of us in the limb-different community, though, we need to get creative.  Like Nick Vujicic.  You’ve probably seen him.  He doesn’t have arms or legs.  He just got engaged and I’m curious about what he’s going to do.  And my new friend George is missing both arms.  He’s an incredible musician, so he’ll have no trouble finding a lady friend.  I’m excited to see what he does one day when he’s standing at the altar ready to get married.

I’d love to hear your stories!  If you’re limb-different, how did you get creative with your wedding ring?  And if you’re a parent or relative of an LD child, don’t worry.  Just like everything else, they’ll figure it out.

If worse comes to worse, you could always move to a country where the right hand is the right hand for the wedding ring.

On second thought…don’t do that.

Here’s how I put on and take off my wedding ring:

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In Help, Hope, Humor, Videos ,
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It’s Okay to Have Fun With It…Sometimes

January 14, 2012 — 24 Comments

“What happened to your arm?”

I hear this a lot.  Probably not as often as people would like to ask it, but enough.  And the answer is always the same.  “Oh, I was just born that way.”  “Oh,” they’ll reply.  Sometimes they’ll tell me about their grandpa who got his arm cutoff in a farming accident or a teacher they had in high school that was “like that.”  Usually it’s a quick, open and shut case, though.

Sometimes, though…sometimes I have a little fun with it.

For instance, this summer I took my kids to the park and they were making some new friends.  One little boy, he was probably six years old, came up to me and said, “Hey, what happened to your arm, man?”

“I was just born that way,” I replied.

“No, really, what happened?” he insisted.

“When I was born, I only had one hand.  When you were born, you had two, right?  I just had one.”

“Right, right, but what happened, man?”

I love this about kids.  They literally can’t comprehend that a person could be born that way.  So many kids ask me where I keep it and look behind my back and look at me as if I’m trying to trick them.  It’s fantastic.  So, knowing this little guy wasn’t buying it, I went for broke.

“Ok, I cut it off with a chainsaw,” I said.

“Fo’ real?  Did it hurt?” he asked, completely unfazed.

“Yeah, man.  It hurt a lot.  But, it’s cool now.  Doesn’t hurt at all.”

“Straight, straight.”  And then he went and played some more.

At one point he came back and said, “Hey, mister, my sister (over on the swings) wants to see your arm. HEY, KEISHA! COME OVER HERE AND SEE THIS MAN’S ARM!” he yelled.  She ran home.

Then there was the time when my cousin and I were on the McDonald’s Playground.  We were young, probably eight or so.  We were sitting in that saucer where you pull on the “wheel” in the middle and then it spins and spins.  Sitting across from us were three little kids.  They were staring and obviously scared.  Eventually, one of them squeaked out, “Wh…what happened to your arm?”  My cousin and I looked at each other and what I did next was mean, but hilarious.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

The kids looked at each other, confused. “Well, your arm…what happened to it?”

“I’m not sure what you…” then I looked down and screamed.  “NOOOOOO!  MY ARM!  WHERE’S MY ARM!!”

We jumped out of the saucer and started running around, throwing wood chips, climbing the Hamburgler statue all while screaming and laughing.  Finally, out of breath, we came back to the saucer.  It was empty.  They must have run away at some point during our freakout.  Hopefully we didn’t scar them for life.

I also vaguely remember my dad saying things about sharks and alligators to little kids that would ask about it.  I think he just liked to see their reaction.

Now, I’m not encouraging amputees or their relatives to do this all the time.  But, from time to time, if you can read a person, it can be fun.

Mostly for you, but still…

If you’re an amputee, have you ever done this?  If you’re not, have you ever had it done to you?

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How To Tie Shoes One-Handed

January 8, 2012 — 18 Comments

Through the years, when it comes to doing things one-handed, one question has been asked of me more than any other.  Usually the person gets a puzzled look on their face and then they say, “Wait…how do you tie your shoes?”

Well…here’s how.

This is how I always look when I tie my shoes.

This is how I always look when I tie my shoes.

The video ended-up being a little long, but I wanted to be thorough.  I plan on making a shorter, more technical version soon, so stay tuned for that.

Hope you like it!

Ryan

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On The Chinese Finger Trap

January 5, 2012 — 2 Comments

"You're not so tough," said the princess calendar.

My son brought home a Chinese finger trap yesterday.  He was excited to show me how it worked.  When I told him to let me try it he raised an eyebrow and passed it to me.

“I hate these things,” I muttered.

Should I not have said that?

The Chinese finger trap has long been my nemesis.  I remember sticking my finger in one as a kid and having to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get it out.

Maybe it’s not that I hate it, though.  I feel a little ripped-off, I suppose.  A little jealous.  See, the Chinese finger trap is actually kind of an awesome metaphor.  It shows that some problems (not all) can only be overcome by relaxing.  Once your fingers have been shoved inside, the harder you work and the more you stress about it, the harder it is to get them out.  Once you relax, though, you can slowly and methodically wriggle your fingers out of the trap.

Life can be like that sometimes.  We get all worked-up and stressed out and we try super hard to make something happen, when really what we need to do is relax.  Take it slow.  Breathe deeply.  Stop worrying.  Trust that it’ll work out.

That’s what a Chinese finger trap can teach you.

If I ever use it as an illustration in a speech, though, I’ll just have my son demonstrate it.

 

In Hope, Humor
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My Thoughts On Using A Prosthesis

January 2, 2012 — 59 Comments
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The Mitten

Lately I’ve been hearing from a lot of parents regarding the use of a prosthetic arm for their child.

Let me share my experience.

I had a number of prosthetic arms as a kid.  First, there was the one that looked like a flesh-colored mitten.  Oh, there it is, to the left of this sentence.  Looks pretty good, right?  I have no idea how that was attached to my body.  Those are some pretty rad faces, though.

Then there was the hook arm.  The hook arm was what I used most as a kid.  I also hit a kid in the head with it when I was in elementary school because he made me mad.  He started bleeding.  It was cool, though, because I told the teachers he tripped me and it was an accident.  Not my best moment.

Here are some awesome pictures of the hook arm (read to the end so you don’t miss the amazing[ly embarrassing] video):

 

 

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Looking Dapper Hook Arm

 

 

Thoughts:

1) Nice wall-paper.

2) Bieber-hair before Beiber-hair was a thing.

3) Is that high-chair legal?

4) Sweet candle.

5) WHAT’S IN THE BAG???

 

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Ernie and Bert and The Hook

 

 

 

 

 

Now THAT is a chair.  Oh, and you have to admit that this is a pretty cute picture.

 

 

 

 

 

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Father and Son and The Hook

 

 

 

 

This one is in here mostly just because it’s one of my favorite pictures of me and my dad.  Thanks for indulging me.

 

 

 

 

 

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Sweet Bike, Sweet Shorts and Socks, Sweet Hook Arm

 

 

 

I don’t remember this bike very well.  I wish I did.  I actually wish I had this bike still.

 

 

 

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Original Nintendo and The Myoelectric Arm

 

Ok, when I first saw this picture, it freaked me out.  That hand looks super real!  I also wish you could see that sweatshirt.  It was a “spring break” motif with people doing inappropriate things. Why did I have that??  Oh…and ORIGINAL NINTENDO.  ‘Nuff said. (I still have it, too. Box and all.)

 

 

 

Now that I’ve established myself as an expert on the topic, I’ll share my advice:

Do whatever you think is right.

I haven’t used a prosthesis in at least fifteen years; probably longer. I appreciate that my parents had me use one as a kid, though. They gave me every opportunity to try it and see if it was for me.  And it was…for a while. For a long while, in fact.  I used that hook arm a lot.  And when it came time to use the myoelectric arm, I thought it was awesome.  It was like I was a bionic man!  Here, look how happy I was with it:

And while it’s true that I thought it was cool at first, let me give you a little behind the scenes on that news piece.  I never played with LEGOS with that arm in real life.  And I never played basketball with that arm on.  Did you see how awkward I looked on that last shot?  Yeah, I didn’t even make that basket; they edited it that way. Also, my prosthetist did not moonlight as the creator of the Peanuts gang, just so we’re clear.

The truth is, I used to get in trouble for taking my arm off at school and leaving it in my locker.  I used to hate having to practice flexing the muscles in my left arm just right so the hand would open and close.  It was cumbersome to me.  I was a kid and I just wanted to play.  And the main reason it didn’t do it for me: I could already do everything I needed and wanted to do, so why learn another way?

I hope this isn’t coming across as ungrateful.  My point is just that, a prosthetic arm didn’t improve my life.  I appreciate that my parents had me use them as a kid.  I don’t resent it at all.  But, in the long run, it wasn’t for me.

My true advice to parents of limb different kids is to just do your best.  Explore all your options and give them some thought.  Your child can’t make decisions for himself yet, so you’ll have to.  And if you love them enough to want what’s best, that’s enough.  At some point, when they get to an age where they can tell you what they prefer, listen to them.  I would say to be careful about forcing them to do anything when it comes to prosthetics (once they get to an age where they can have a rational discussion with you about it).

And again, I don’t use one, but that’s simply my preference.  One time a gentleman suggested I get a prosthetic for aesthetic purposes, “so you do better in interviews.”  He was trying to be helpful.  I told him, “If an employer doesn’t hire me because I have one arm, that’s their problem, not mine.”  That’s me, though.  Maybe a prosthetic arm would give your child an added sense of confidence.  They’ll let you know.

So, do your best. Love your child. Be ready to listen to them. And value what they tell you.

If you have/had a prosthetic, share your experience. If you’re a parent of a limb different child, please share your experience, too!

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The Day I Baptized A Special Little Boy

December 31, 2011 — 10 Comments

Back at the end of October (2011), I got a message on Facebook.  It was from Mike.  I had never met Mike.  I had written some posts about being one-handed on my blog and Mike found them, which was great because his son, Grant, had just been born with a left arm exactly like mine.  “Do you perform baptisms?” he asked.  I had just done my nephew’s, so I was in the baptizing mood.  I told him yes and after some back-and-forth, we nailed down a time and place and he sent out the Evites.

Well…today was the day.

I arrived early to church to turn on the heat and get things situated, but I wasn’t early enough.  No sooner had I opened the door and thrown down some ice-melt than family started showing-up.  I didn’t even have my tie on yet.  I was getting a little nervous and trying to make sure everything was prepared just right.  But then, I started to meet the family.  I can’t remember her name, but one of the aunts came up to me and gave me a great big hug and thanked me for “doing this.”  It was the greatest.  Then I met Mike’s sister and the sponsors and the great-grandparents…it felt like a family reunion!

Eventually we all filed into the sanctuary and got the party started.  As I stood there in front of this group of amazing people, I couldn’t help but feel excited.  Maybe that’s a strange thing to feel at a baptism, but to me it was bigger than just the baptism.  It was about Grant.  And his parents, Mike and Tara.  And his big sister, Baylee.  It was about the fact, the fact, that he and they are surrounded by people who love them.  People who will be there and are learning together with them about what it means to raise a child with a limb difference.  That community is the most important thing, I believe, for Grant.  He is going to grow-up knowing that he is loved and that he can be and do whatever he wants.  I’m confident of that.

After the ceremony, we all went to lunch together.  My son Sam made a new friend in Mike’s nephew, Luka; Tara tripped over my wife’s purse and fell so hard I thought she was dead; I had a great talk with Mike’s sister Jeanne and her husband.  Another fantastic moment was when we opened our gift from Mike and Tara and it was a gift card to one of our favorite restaurants.  Actually, the fantastic moment came after that when we said, “You guys, we love this place!  How did you know?”  “Tara stalked you on Facebook,” Mike answered.  Tara, you are the best.  Then, just before the food came, Mike addressed the group.  He thanked everyone for being there and for traveling so far (especially himself – they came all the way from Connecticut!) and then he said some incredibly kind things about me.  Mike and his family helped me realize the kind of impact I can have in peoples’ lives.  And similarly, the impact they have on mine.

Everyone started to filter out after a while, so we rounded-up our kids and said our goodbyes, too.  It was sad to realize that we don’t know when we’ll see everyone again, but we’re so thankful for the time we had together.  We’ll never forget it.

And there’s always the internet for staying connected.  Like Tara’s dad said, “I guess there are some good things on there after all.”

Thank you, Schneiders, for inviting us into your lives and for helping us to end 2011 on a high note!

(For the full gallery of pictures, click here – and “Like” the page!)

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The Family!

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Tara, Baylee, Me, Grant and Mike

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Me and Grant

In Hope, Humor
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How To Shuffle Cards One Handed

December 28, 2011 — 8 Comments
shuffle

No idea where these are from.

I don’t think I’ve ever won a game of poker in my life.

Go Fish?  That’s a whole different story.

And Speed.  Have you ever played Speed?  I remember playing that with my siblings when I was younger.  Thinking about it now, though, I’m not sure how I did it with only one hand!

Whatever the game happened to be, there would always be a time when it was my turn to shuffle.  So, I just did it.  Sure, it’s not the prettiest method or perhaps the most effective, but it gets the job done.

What’s funny to me is that there are actually machines that shuffle cards for you, but I’ve never owned one.  I’ve actually never even used one.

And while a machine might be slicker and more effective, I don’t think I’ll ever get one.  It’s just not the same.  (You can get one here, though)

Check out my method below and make sure to leave a comment!  Especially if you have ideas for a sign-off!

(You can also get a one-handed card holder here)

In Help, Humor, Videos
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How To Put Toothpaste On A Toothbrush One-Handed

December 18, 2011 — 7 Comments

Brushing your teeth is messy business.

In the movies they’re able to keep their mouth shut the whole time and keep the mess to a minimum. I’m not able to do that. My mouth is usually wide open and toothpaste foam gets all over the place; my lips and chin, down my toothbrush, onto my fingers…it’s not pretty. And rinsing and spitting, while somewhat refreshing, is kind of disgusting.

That is why I did not film the actual brushing of my teeth. You are glad I didn’t.

Are you a “clean” teeth-brusher? Or do you make a huge mess like me?

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How To Wash Your Hands One-Handed

December 15, 2011 — 8 Comments

Even though I only have one, I still call it “washing my hands.” To this day, nobody’s called me a liar.

These days, washing my hands is pretty simple. The only problem I run into on a fairly regular basis is splash-back. Especially in public restrooms. Usually the water pressure is set to fire-hose levels, so that combined with the fact that I have to lean-in a bit more to wash my left elbow leads to water-speckled pants. Usually in the groinal area, which is outstanding.

Now, in days of yore, there used to be those faucets where you had to press down on the knobs and then the water would stay on for, like, .7 seconds at a time. Those are hard for people with two hands to use. Try using them with one! I’d hit that knob, then wash, then hit the knob, then wash, etc. etc. Sometimes I’d try to hold the hot one down with my left elbow. Yeah, that never worked.

I’m thankful that phase in faucet manufacturing is over.

By the way, I don’t always wash my hands as if I’m about to perform open heart surgery. Sheesh.

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How To Do “Where Is Thumbkin?” One-Handed

December 12, 2011 — 4 Comments

The first video.  I think they’ll get better.  I mean, I hope so.

Hope you like it!

In Humor, Videos
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