Archives For Humor

Well, That Was Embarrassing

February 21, 2012 — 11 Comments

Last week I emailed a boatload of people I’ve been friends with over the years to solicit their perspective about being friends with a guy with one hand.

The responses so far have been eye-opening.

And fun!

One thing I asked was for them to retell any funny stories they could remember.

Here’s one of my favorites:

“I remember one time when we were playing foosball.  You mentioned that you were at a disadvantage, so I offerred to play with one arm behind my back.  Much to my horror, what you meant was that you had, like, three guys missing from your team because they were broken off.  I was so embarrassed!”

Fully functional foosball dudes.

Nice.

It’s so interesting and valuable to hear the perspectives of my friends.  I’m learning things about myself that I never would have known otherwise.  And I’m hearing a lot of things for the first time that will help me immensely as I attempt to help others.  As I process them, I’ll share what I learn.

For instance, I’m learning that a lot of my very close friends didn’t know how I had lost my arm for quite some time!  It makes all the sense in the world, too.  They didn’t feel comfortable asking right away and I think I just assume that people know I was born that way, so I never directly address it.  When I meet people for the first time now, my inclination will be to answer their unanswered question about what happened to my arm.

You know, the alligator incident.

Perhaps you saw the recent story about Eli Pierre being denied a job at Starbucks because he has one arm.

Obviously, the situation caught my attention.

As I’ve written before, I’m pretty lenient when it comes to peoples’ reactions to me; including their stares.  But, I think it’s safe to say that I would have handled this situation, uh, considerably more undignified than Eli did.  Things would have been thrown.  Names would have been called.

I hesitate, though, to be angry with Starbucks as a whole.  It sounds like the onus here is smack dab on the hiring manager.  It amazes me that this thought process actually exists.  And I use the word “process” loosely.

I also have a deeper connection to the story because 11 years ago I was a barista at Starbucks.  This was before everything was automated, too.  I ground the beans and loaded the hoppers and tamped and pulled shots and pumped syrup…I did it all, baby.  And I was good at it.  My manager, the guy who hired me, was a big, bald, hilarious gay guy with a sun tattoo on his calf.  He did not discriminate against me, nor did Starbucks against him.  I enjoyed my co-workers and recall my time there fondly.

This is not me.

Remembering my stint at Starbucks got me thinking about the other jobs I’ve had over the years.  I had to laugh at the irony of some of them.  My first job was at ACE Hardware.  I carried bags of softener salt, cut keys and glass, bagged nuts and bolts and countless other manual tasks.  I also worked at Eddie Bauer in the Mall of America for a while where I had to fold clothes every shift.  Then there was the job I had processing donations for a non-profit.  I opened envelopes, sorted papers and entered data into a computer every day.  There was also the time I worked at a shoe store, carrying and stacking boxes and tying shoes for customers.  Oh, and I went to school for radio and then worked at a station for a while where I spliced tape, ran the board for various programs and performed on-air while producing.

As you can see, there was a lot of room in each of those jobs for me to feel like I couldn’t do things with only one hand.  And a lot of opportunity for other people to think I couldn’t.  Very rarely, though, was my arm ever brought-up.  In fact, the only times I can remember were when I worked at the hardware store and my concerned boss just wanted to make sure I was ok.  Other than that, it was smooth sailing.

That’s why Eli’s story boggles my mind.  As I’m sure it boggled his while it was happening.  The closest I came to something like this was when I was being helped by the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation and my counselor suggested I get a prosthetic arm, “just for aesthetic reasons. You know, to help in interviews and that sort of thing.”  I was furious.  I told him that if someone didn’t want to hire me because of my arm, besides being illegal, it was their loss.  And I wouldn’t want to work for them anyway.  He seemed satisfied with that answer.  Not like he had a choice.

And as bad as that was, it’s a far cry from what Eli experienced.

So, what do we learn from this?  We learn that ignorance, bigotry, and insensitivity are alive and well.  If you’re black, asian, short, tall, blind, deaf, wheelchair bound, limb-different, speak with a lisp…basically, if you’re different in any noticeable way, you are already familiar with this fact.

I do believe, though, that this is the exception and not the rule.  I believe whole-heartedly that most people desire to treat others with respect and dignity.  Even when they are unsure of how to react to someone who is different, I believe the majority are trying their best to do the right thing.  To look those who are different in the eye, to not stare, to ask questions respectfully, to accept.

And when those of us who are different encounter the person who hasn’t come around yet, like Eli did, we have a choice.  We can let it beat us and bruise us.  We can let it send us into a tailspin.  We can let it harden our heart.  We can allow it to shape our thinking about everyone.

Or, we can bring it to the light.  We can use it to educate and illuminate.  We can become stronger by pushing through it.  We can stand-up for those who are different and invite those who aren’t to do the same.

We can overcome.

How To Hold Twins One-Handed

February 14, 2012 — 4 Comments

My beautiful friend, Sarah, just had twins.

They are awesome.

Her other son just turned two and had a wonderful birthday party that I attended on Sunday.

I brought my video camera to said party so as to videotape myself holding the twins.

If that’s weird, I don’t want to be…not…weird.

Is that cute or what??  Will and Ryder are adorable and I loved holding them.

Thanks so much to their wonderful parents, Andrew and Sarah, for lending them to me!

And if the twins ever become famous, I’m taking credit for it.

Ryder, me and Will

My Trip To Urgent Care

February 8, 2012 — 1 Comment

This is another experience I had during my recovery after surgery to repair my broken left arm.  It was scary.  Sorry if you get freaked out.  Everything’s cool now, so…don’t worry.

 

“It seemed like a good idea,” I said.

The thing was, it couldn’t have been a worse idea.

I’d only been home for a couple of days and I was still figuring out how to recover.  I spent all my time in bed, my left arm wrapped-up like a fat mummy.  People were bringing us food, but I was never very hungry.  And I had all kinds of medication I was supposed to be taking.  Hydrocodone and Morphine ER were the two biggies.

And they would be my downfall.

One night, after a day of not eating, I reasoned with myself that I should just take one of each at midnight.  That way it would be easy to remember when I had taken them.  See?  Seems like a good idea.  So, I swallowed them both and fell asleep.  And that’s when things got weird.  I was asleep, but I was in my room in my dream, and everything was moving around.  Then, suddenly, I was wearing layers upon layers of children’s pajamas.  They were really small and super tight, so I started furiously yanking them off.  I kept pulling and pulling on the sleeves covering my left arm until…

I started to wake-up.  And I realized I was pulling off all the material wrapped around my left arm in real life.  I freaked-out and went to the bathroom to assess the situation.  I had no idea how it was wrapped by the doctor, so I just did the best I could to put everything back.  Then I went back to sleep.

In the morning, I got up and took a shower because I knew we had to go to urgent care.  I wasn’t well.  I stumbled downstairs and sat on the couch, a clammy, incoherent mess.  I vaguely remember my wife calling my parents and telling them what was happening while intermittently yelling, “Ryan!  Ryan!  Are you there??  Talk to me!”  We took the kids to my parents’ while I sat in the front seat barfing my brains out, trying not to pass out.  When we got to urgent care, they whisked me inside right away.  The nurse finally got an IV in me and as the fluid entered my veins I shook violently.  It was freezing, but it felt good.  I reassured Julie that it was ok, I was just cold.  After the first pint (was it pints or quarts?) I was feeling better so they sat me up.  I remember getting into a sitting position and everyone’s face in the room scrunched-up and the doctor said, “Get another one.”  Yes, they had to pump two pints of fluid into me.  The nurse said I was so dehydrated that when she pressed on my arm to find a vein to put the IV into, “The blood didn’t move at all.  It just smooshed around.”  Fantastic.

Eventually, after some crackers and 7-Up, they let me go.  The experience scared the junk out of me, but I was happy to be ok.  And I learned a couple of very important things.  First, taking multiple powerful medications at the same time on an empty stomach, no matter how good of an idea it seems, is never a good idea.

Also, if you ever want to get right in at urgent care, just have an “amputated” limb wrapped-up so they think you’re dying because it’s infected.

Worked for me!

 

I feel like I need to say this: In all seriousness, please be careful when taking powerful medications.  I had never had to take anything like that before and I was really stupid about it.  So, pay attention when the doctor…and, um, your spouse…tell you to eat and take the medication appropriately.

A Simple Misunderstanding

February 6, 2012 — 5 Comments

In 2008 I broke my short arm.  I now have a plate and 7 screws holding it all together.  

At one of my follow-up visits after surgery, I totally freaked out the nurse.

She was checking my blood pressure and asking the standard preliminary questions when she said, “May I ask what happened to your arm?”

At this point my normal reaction would be, “I was born that way.”  But, since I was recovering from surgery, that was what was on my mind and I figured it was on hers, too.

“Oh, I fell down three stairs,” I replied.

“OH MY GOD!” she blurted out. “Are you serious??”

She looked absolutely horrified.  I could see the gears churning inside her head.  I couldn’t figure out what was so surprising…and then it hit me: She didn’t know I was born with a short left arm!  I just assumed she did and that she was asking because of the scar.

“Oh no!  I was actually born with my arm like this, but I also recently broke it,” I explained.

“Ohhhh,” she sighed.  “I was thinking to myself, ‘My God, he fell down three stairs and broke his arm badly enough that they had to amputate?'”

I laughed way more than she did when she said that.

We had a good discusion afterward and it gave me the idea for the subtitle of my yet-to-be-written memoir: I Was Born That Way…And Then I Broke It.

In retrospect, I probably just should have said, “Chainsaw accident.”

My mind is officially blown.

I’m sure many of you are familiar with Tony Memmel.  Tony was born missing his let arm just like me.  If you’re not familiar with Tony, watch this video.  I remember watching it and immediately saying, “I need to meet this guy.”

So, I made this video (pre-livingonehanded.com!):

Ryan Haack ‘One Week To Philadelphia’ and Introduction from Ryan Haack on Vimeo.

Yeah, I did that.  And it worked!  Tony I met in October last year (read about it here) and I blame, er, credit that video completely.  Tony is a great guy and I’m incredibly excited to watch his career as a musician unfold.  Amazing talent!

And while that’s cool, this is what’s blowing my mind:

The other day Tony’s mom, Katie, found a newspaper put out by the Children’s Hospital back in 1988.  That’s 24 years ago.  Who was on the front page?  Yours truly.  Playing a recorder.

I guarantee I never played the recorder with that arm besides when this picture was taken.

And who was on page 2?  You guessed it!  Tony Memmel!

Look at that cute kid!

 That’s right.  24 years ago, Tony Memmel and I occupied page 1 and 2 of the same newspaper.  24 years later we met for the first time.

That is insane.

And I, for one, am proud to call Tony a friend and look forward to a lifetime of dominating newspapers together.

Twins! Ok, not so much.

Well, that was gross.

Let’s get this out of the way right at the beginning: Shoveling stinks.

And I get the sense that rings true no matter how many limbs you have.

I’ve never in my life, though, adapted a shovel to “work better” for me.  I’ve always just used what’s available.  In what is becoming a fairly obvious theme (to me), I just cleared snow however I could.  I never thought about having one hand or having to do it differently than anyone else; I just did it how I did it…yo.

And as far as the snow blower goes, I’m pretty sure I’ve only used it about five times.  Ever.  I think the video reflects that accurately.

Getting a little technical for a minute: Both of these activities (shoveling and using a snow blower) cause me physical pain.  My back hurts from bending over awkwardly and my wrist hurts badly while snow blowing.  Snow blowing is actually worse (of the two) because I’m bent weirdly and my wrist hurts from guiding the entire machine.  I fully realize there are other ways to do it, but here’s the thing…

I live in a condo.  People shovel my driveway for me.

Yesssssssssssss.

(The driveway and snow blower in the video belong to my in-laws.)

My son, Samuel, makes his on-camera debut in this video!

I wish the snow was thicker and more packable.  And that it wasn’t -3 degrees outside.  Oh, well.

Enjoy!

This has been a crazy winter for us here in Wisconsin.  Today was only the second significant snowfall we’ve had all season!  And honestly, it was pretty weak.  Maybe five inches, tops.  There’s still time, but this has been a pretty uneventful winter so far.

That’s why I had to get out in it, even for a minute.

Enjoy!