Let’s start here: The new Apple Watch looks cool as heck.

That said, I will not be purchasing said watch.

And it’s not that I don’t want one.

See, watches have always been hit or miss for me. As you might imagine, it’s a bit tricky when you only have one hand. I’ve had several over the years, but they’ve never been high on my list of priorities. Well, except for this one:

The Calculator Watch!

So, why won’t my wrist be home to this new-fangled fancy-schmancy gadget from Apple? For several of the same reasons I never got the calculator watch.

First of all, there’s really no practical way for me to take advantage of the touch functions on the screen. It’s been suggested I wear a watch on my left arm, but to that I say – you try wearing a watch above the crook of your elbow next to your bicep. Yeah, not gonna happen. I’ve also been told that the watch has Siri. I’d like to talk to my watch on occasion, but not on every occasion. The screen technology looks amazing, but isn’t accessible for me.

“Touch me!” said the screen.

Second of all, that sweet looking digital crown dealio. Looks totally rad, right? Well, I’d never be able to use it. This has always been an issue with cool watches I’ve wanted. They have buttons and knobs all over the dang place, which is just not practical for me. Buttons for lights and timers and modes and laps and whatever the dang heck else they can fit on there! So, enjoy pressing and playing with that button with your other hand. Seriously. Enjoy it.

Look at that thing. Just teasing me.

And thirdly, most of the straps are ill-suited for folks with one hand. Now, I will say that a couple of them, what with their magnetic features, look decently usable. But, most of them are not. You can see my current watch and the type of closure it has in the following video:

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A post shared by Ryan Haack (@livingonehanded)

Now, truth be told, I pulled that watch out of my dresser drawer to make this video. I haven’t worn it in months. Why?

BECAUSE I HAVE A PHONE THAT HAS, LIKE, SEVEN MILLION CLOCKS ON IT.

Seriously, the most brilliant part of this whole deal is that Apple has convinced us all that WE MUST HAVE WATCHES. Let’s be honest, nobody needs a watch. Nobody. And our phones already do virtually everything this new watch does. But, man oh man, is it cool! It looks amazing and the technology seems incredible and I don’t fault a single person on Earth for wanting one, but it certainly isn’t a necessity.

Which, in a round about way, brings me to my last point: Not everything is for everybody. I could throw a fit about how this watch is not limb-different friendly and lambaste Apple for not thinking of ME, but the fact of the matter is that the majority of Apple’s customers will be able to use it flawlessly. And their job, as a business, is to focus on those who are going to buy and use their product. So, while it’s a bummer that it’s not going to work for me, it’s not like they’re infringing on my rights. They’ve made an incredible product that is going to be awesome for tons of people.

Just not me.

And that’s totally fine. They don’t owe me anything. I’ll just play with one of my friends’ when they get one.

Unless, you know, Apple wants to send me one to test.

Sometimes when someone’s getting to know me, I do this thing.

It goes like this: A group of us are hanging around and we start joking about random stuff. I’ll say something dumb to try to setup the new guy, like, “Hey, let’s give so-and-so a hand!” and the new guy bites and says something like, “Not you, though!” He’ll have this very satisfied look on his face, like he’s one of us now. Then, I’ll scowl and look right into his eyes and say, “Dude…not ok. I’ll let you know when it’s ok for you to joke about my arm. That’s my decision to make.”

The room is quiet.

He’ll swallow hard, start to sweat and apologize profusely.

Then I’ll crack and say, “Totally kidding, dude! It’s cool!”

We all throw our heads back in laughter and the frame freezes and the music plays.

It’s wonderful.

Now, dear reader, you are in one of two camps: You’re either laughing…or you think I’m a total jerk.

That’s the thing with humor; it’s completely subjective.

I mean, my wife says she married me because I make her laugh, but I would wager she only thinks about 70% of the stuff I think is funny is actually funny. Sophomoric humor is not beneath me. Puns are fantastic. Reading websites devoted to cataloging all of the characters who lost arms in the Star Wars series is good fun. And then there’s…

Buster.

Buster Bluth. Monster.

If you’re not a fan, Buster Bluth is a character in the TV show Arrested Development. In season two, Buster loses his hand when it’s bitten off by a loose seal. He then obtains a hook arm and essentially overdramatizes everything in relation to it. Now, some people would find this offensive on many levels. I, on the other hand – HA! – get that they are purposely taking Buster’s actions to the extreme for comedic effect. And gosh dang it…it’s funny!

But that’s the trouble with humor, right? It can be unfunny or even offensive to one person, yet hilarious to another.

I’ve written before about the idea of having a laugh about your “disability,” and I know it rubs some people the wrong way, but it’s a concept I fully believe in. It’s a drag to take ourselves so seriously all the time!

As someone who tries to be funny, especially in the public arena, I understand that not everyone will appreciate what I think is funny. It stinks, but I get it. If you even dabble in the field of humor and can’t accept this fact, you’re doomed.

For instance, I came-up with these ideas for some t-shirts a while back (which you can now purchase here).

I’m all about being helpful.

Ultimately, if I wear a shirt that I think is funny and somebody else doesn’t think it is…that’s ok. My focus is on the ones who do.

So, this is what I think: I think it behooves us all to give each other some slack when it comes to humor. By all means, if it’s mean-spirited or demeaning and you’re upset by it, discuss it with the person. And those of us who try to be funny need to be aware that this could happen, even if it’s not our intent. When that happens – own it. Explain, apologize if you need to and move on.

Ultimately – for me at least – I’m going to keep being a goofball. I’ll keep trying to get people to smile and laugh.

That’s just how I roll.

How do YOU roll? What are your thoughts on incorporating and even basing some of your humor around your “disability”?

If you’ve been married for any amount of time, you know how this goes. You have an incredible weekend away, with no distractions, and you feel as connected as you’ve ever been. You hold hands and gaze into each others’ eyes to pass the time. As you go to sleep, the stars shine brighter. And as you wake, the sunrise is more beautiful and birds are chirping…and they’re not even annoying you! Your marriage is everything you ever wanted it to be. You feel strong and in love and on target.

Gross.

Then you get home and it’s back to real life.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic, just realistic. Those weekends away are absolutely vital to the health of a long-term relationship, but they’re definitely more fantasy than reality. You don’t need to worry about paying bills or going to work or cleaning-up your kid’s puke on your weekend away. It’s all about each other. When you get home, though, your love is tested. Things aren’t perfect and life happens and your resolve and loyalty to one another is challenged.

That’s what I’m speaking to right now. That time where things are ok, but not “weekend getaway” perfect.

And here’s the thing: Most of the time you don’t need a seminar to get back on track; you just need a reminder.

I asked my wife, “What’s good about our marriage?” The look on her face was my queue to rephrase the question. “No, I mean, our marriage rules! But why? What makes it so good? That’s what I meant!” I stammered. We talked for a little while and I decided that while that’s a good question and something we should continue to think about, it wasn’t what I was really after. I just wanted that little jolt of energy for us. Something that would punch us in the gut real quick and remind us of how good we are together. Something to get us through the “we’re ok, but not great” time. These were the two questions that did the trick; the ones that served as the reminder for us.

What always makes us laugh? This question is so fun to answer. It could be anything! For us, one of the things that always makes us laugh is coming up with titles of books we will someday write as the powerful marriage advice duo, Drs. Ryan and Julie Haack. Usually we come up with these right after having a fight. Just being honest. Fighting Fair Is For Losers by Drs. Ryan and Julie Haack. When Husbands Cry by Drs. Ryan and Julie Haack. Making-Up Is NOT Overrated by Drs. Ryan and Julie Haack. This is only funny to us, most likely, but that’s the point. What makes you and your spouse laugh without fail? We love watching Modern Family and Parks and Rec, too. Always funny to us. What are your shows?

So, think about it: what always makes the two of you laugh? A friend of mine said, “Farting!” Perfect. I guarantee you’ll laugh just answering the question.

What do we always like to do together? One of the things I thought of while answering this question is not something we do very often, but we always love when we get to. Not that, though it’s a good answer. We’re big Milwaukee Brewers fans and we’re lucky to have one of the best radio broadcasters in the history of the game. Whenever the two of us get to listen to Bob Uecker call a game, we’re happy. It’s comforting and fun and hilarious and makes for a relaxing car-ride for sure. We also love to go to Brewer games together and tailgate. We love to go to movies together. We’re huge documentary fans, too, and are always on the lookout for good ones.

What about you? What kinds of things do you and your spouse like to do together? Maybe you like to camp or hike or bike or run or sing together or perform on stage together or paint or build things or volunteer…seriously, the list could go on forever. What I love about this question is remembering all the fun times you’ve had together already, while simultaneously looking forward to doing even more fun things together!

While these two questions may not fix a broken relationship, they certainly can inject some much needed life into one that’s stagnant. So stop being roommates and remember what makes you an awesome couple.

Then fart in the movie theater and laugh about it together.

I LOVE to hear what makes other people laugh! Share what makes you and your spouse laugh every time and some things you like to do together!